I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
