You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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