Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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