i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
