I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
