If i come over, it means nothing
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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