Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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