Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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