There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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