all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
