I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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