Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
