I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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