I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
