my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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