and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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