I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We are all done wearing pants today
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
