Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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