so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
