i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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