Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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