my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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