I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
