I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She announced her abortion via fbk
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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