I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
