You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
