I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
