Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
