Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
