He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
