What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
