fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
