I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
