There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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