I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
