the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
