My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
