yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
