At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
