you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
