new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
