Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
