i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
