i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He has the fingertips of a God
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