I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
