I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
