You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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