Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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