If i come over, it means nothing
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
