just tell him i said nine months
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
