The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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