so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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