Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
